@david8hughes

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

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@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@AndyAsAdjective

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@Scdavis24

Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats

@Lpbinder

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@pittdave13

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

@YUCKYBOT

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

@nuttywhippet

Places in Japan nowadays have banned some of the traditional Martial Arts,

They have adopted a strictly no Kendo attitude