Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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this is funnier than any friends episode
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.