fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
time traveller: what’s wrong
me: i just failed college
time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time
me: firs- wait what
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Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?