@PoshTick

time traveller: what’s wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

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@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@deathbybadger

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

@sonictyrant

If you play any Radiohead song backwards it gives you the directions to a hip little sushi place in New York.

@leathershirts

the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music

@HeyZeus666

I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.

@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@TheCatWhisprer

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

@UncleDuke1969

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup