@PoshTick

time traveller: what’s wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

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@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@Mr_Kapowski

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke

@staceaustin

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@notmythirdrodeo

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?