Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
podcasts
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Cucumbers Anonymous
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time