@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

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@MissSassy_Pants

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@djdarrellripley

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@patrickmarkryan

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

@phranqueigh

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

@BoredomDidIt

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

@TheBoydP

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.