Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.