*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
me irl
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.