*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!