@Zambah_

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

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@OneToothTexan

“My body wasn’t designed for this.”

– me, getting out of bed

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@skittle624

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

@HousewifeOfHell

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

@of_a_genepool

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.