“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.