@KalvinMacleod

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

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@Douchekevin

I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.

@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@iGreenMonk

My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.

I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

@Sickayduh

At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@max_pad21

I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage