Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.