Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My April Fools day joke blew up in my face.
I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn’t matter. So I got it in Detroit.
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage