Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Every house has this drawer
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁