@Tmoney68

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

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@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

@MariyaAlexander

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

@ellorysmith

if you want a really scary story I once dated a man who, anytime I said an interesting fact about something, would sincerely and genuinely respond with “wait , did I tell you that?”

@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

@LizerReal

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@c12h22o11balls

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

@Laser_Cat

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*