Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
couldn’t resist
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”