Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
You Might Also Like
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good