Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

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My parents: *before my wife and I had kids* Hey. When are you having kids? When are you having kids? Whenareyouhavingkids? WHENAREYOUHAVINGKIDS?!?!?

*Fast forward*

My parents: *after I lightly complain that my kids don’t sleep well* Well you’re the ones who wanted kids.


The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.


“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.


Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.


Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not


If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.


My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.