My parents: *before my wife and I had kids* Hey. When are you having kids? When are you having kids? Whenareyouhavingkids? WHENAREYOUHAVINGKIDS?!?!?
My parents: *after I lightly complain that my kids don’t sleep well* Well you’re the ones who wanted kids.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
IT HAS A NAME!
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*gets up and leaves
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.