*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?