TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
#winning
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!