@ojedge

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

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@DaveWeasel

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.

@LittleMissAngr1

Grabbing the hands of my elevator companions and explaining that I have a fear of flying.

@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@sofarrsogud

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

@OMGSoOverIt

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

@bfrosty04

Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.