“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.