1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE