Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?