@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

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@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

@jordan_stratton

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

@Brettagher

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

@jonnysun

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

@realHamOnWry

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

@junejuly12

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE