Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
a fate I wish upon no one
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.