Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Writing, She Murdered.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name