Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop


People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.


If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?


Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.


I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.


The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.


Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.


Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.