Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
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“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Inside you there are two wolves
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m putting together a team
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.