[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW