me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
this makes me so uncomfortable
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”