TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
i dont have time for this
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.