@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

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@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@MyLife2567

I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.

@squirrel74wkgn

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

@badbanana

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

@ToskaXxx

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@brendohare

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime