50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
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I quarantined with my mother so that I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
PSA….I’m starting to worry about her safety.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Nice mustache, bro.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime