Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct