Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”


Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them


before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”


Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.


[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water



Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?


Actions speak louder than birds (except for parrots)