Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“You’d better run, egg!”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Ugh
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
🙅🏻
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?