Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

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My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.


I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.


SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??


When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.


dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color


No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.


Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it


Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”