@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

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@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@dreamthievin

I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@SuchaDumbWorld

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@Home_Halfway

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”