Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.