Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast