Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?