ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You Might Also Like
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.