TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”


Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.


Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”


People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.


Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again


Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.


I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.


So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep