TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it