Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?”
Me: “Is there a live baby in it?”
Me: “Throw it away.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
FREE IPAD FOR ANSWERING A SIMPLE SURVEY.
1) WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
2) DO YOU OWN WEAPONS?
3) WHEN ARE YOU MOST VULNERABLE?