“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family