Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

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Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel


[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”


[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”


DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time


muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”


Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine


Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.


[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.