Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.
You Might Also Like
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
DEODORANT: ugh i hate my job, gotta go in his gross armpit all the time
TOILET PAPER: bro
muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.