*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
You Might Also Like
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence