Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Gemma Correll
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets