Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
No way!
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.