*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream