I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
When your man makes a valid point
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.