Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later