Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me