Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Covid like
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further