Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Dead sexy!!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
We’ve all been there
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.