tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”