Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u