@TheMichaelRock

‘Tis the season to pull copious amounts of tinsel out of your dog’s butthole.

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@simoncholland

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@pseudo_fred

I’m a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I’m going to find you and build you a bench.

@JohnLyonTweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

@iGreenMonk

There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.

Here’s how it works :-

If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@tarashoe

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

@BeardedSteel

Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok