i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
You Might Also Like
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.