Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
hey, alexa
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.