[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.