Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
You Might Also Like
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.