“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no