@weinerdog4life

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

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@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@TheMichaelRock

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.

@Darlainky

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

@roxiqt

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”SeanINCypress”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3585747127/351e3f95d36ba496cf8af16930da7d2f_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”196342135564410882″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”134″;s:5:”tweet”;s:136:”Being a doctor was awesome a thousand years ago. Back ache? Drill a hole in your head, let the demon out. Headache? Drill. Fever? Drill.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@markydoodoo

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

@KayaJones

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting