Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Pretty much. 🤣
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea