TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
You Might Also Like
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.